Site Has Moved!

Hi everyone! Thanks for checking out my blog. It has now relocated to www.courtneylawrence.ca. Sign up there for my newsletter to receive blog updates.

Many thanks!
Courtney

How to Avoid Fall Burnout: Stop Reacting! Start Responding!

"Reactionary life flow" is one of the key culprits of sickness, stress, and exhaustion. It’s a dangerous loop that we all get sucked into from time to time yet never really question what it’s about until its too late.

Here’s a post about what it means, and what to do about it.

Reactionary Life Flow Prevents Whole-hearted Living:

Do you respond to emails as soon as you get them? Do you feel compelled to write back to a text the minute it hits your inbox?

This is what Scott Belsky (author of Making Ideas Happens) calls “reactionary work flow”. It’s when you respond immediately and automatically to day-to-day work stimulus that are thrown your way (emails, memos, phone calls, and other work-related tasks).

After reading Belsky’s book this summer, I began to realize that we also live in a world dictated by what I call “reactionary life flow”.

In reactionary life flow we react immediately and unconsciously to whatever demands, crises, requests, or even opportunities get thrown our way. For better or worse, we are, most of the time, acting on a default setting that ceases to question what’s coming in and automatically leaps to a patterned response or action on the way out.

We have a constant stream of this stuff each and every day. To help manage it, we have designed a way that works for us to filter it all out. However, acting on default prevents us from living a whole-hearted, fully conscious life!

Do you Seize or Shut Down Opportunity too Quickly?

Here's a very simple example. Imagine an old friend emails you up to have a “catch up” coffee date this week. Do you drop what you’ve doing to write back “yes!” right away? Or do you write “no” without even considering it?

Most likely, you respond in less than 24 hours and you have your default reaction that doesn't take time to consider all the options. Either you think you are too busy and don’t want to even consider the idea or how to make it work, or you may be too excited and say yes even if it means cramming your schedule even more.

In both cases, you are making a decision based on a patterned behavioural response that doesn't pause and ask what’s good for YOU right now. Rather it might be a decision based on initial excitement to see that person, or a feeling of not wanting to make that friend unhappy. Alternatively, you feel you can’t cope with another thing on the menu and react with a “no”. Either way, taking more time to respond could be beneficial.

A more recent example from my life, was when a young couple asked if I could teach them an in-home yoga class once a week. I was so excited that I said, “yes” immediately without thinking twice. I later realized after a class that it wasn’t going to honour my schedule or my needs by taking this on. I simply dealt with the request as it came because I was excited by the opportunity and didn’t want to give it up.

I realized that my patterned reaction to new opportunities has always been “seize them right now because they won’t be around later”. But this is false.

Opportunities are not always there to be seized right away. Sometimes they are there to be considered in the moment and to plant the seeds for more opportunities to come later.

Just because I CAN do something, doesn’t mean I SHOULD do it (at least, not right now).

What I am learning is not to live in reactionary life flow, but in “response-ible life flow”.

Time to Pause and Prioritize:

Just like with work, we need periods of non-stimulation in our lives where we can re-group and prioritize our next steps. Even if this means taking a day or even a week before making a big decision.

We’re so accustomed to responding in real-time that even pausing to take 10 deep breaths before giving an answer seems like eternity.

When we’re being carried along a current of stimulus that is outside of ourselves, we just want to deal with the flow of life situations, demands, requests, and opportunities RIGHT NOW so that we feel some control over what’s going on.

I’m learning to avoid this reactionary-ness that can either shut me off from opportunity right away or fill my glass so high that I drown.

I’ve learned that first and foremost, it’s about looking at what’s important RIGHT NOW.
Try pausing, taking a breath and deciding: what is important to pursue RIGHT NOW, what CAN WAIT, and what IS JUST NOT FOR ME.

Despite the culture of urgency we’ve created since the rise of mobile technology, you never need to decide on the spot.

Sometimes drawing a mind map helps me to illustrate everything going on in my life. When faced with the flow of things coming my way, I’m more able to discern how full or free “my stream” really is.

Time to Harvest What You Have:

I think being aware of reactionary life flow is particularly pertinent for fall, because in this season we get bombarded by all sorts of “newness” – new opportunities at work, opportunities to reconnect with friends after the summer, and chances to take new courses or start new projects.

Maybe it’s the crispness in the air that whisks away the summer heat and makes room for autumn, or maybe it’s the feeling leftover from years of being programmed at school that September signifies a new beginning.

But in reality, fall is actually the time to “harvest” what you’ve already started. It’s the time to reflect on what you have and use it over the winter before planting new life seeds in the spring.

It’s no wonder so many people get sick or exhausted by November; they falsely (and maybe unconsciously) take on way too much in September/October.

By being more aware of the life flow, and knowing that you have the ability to pause, reflect, and decide what’s important now, later, or never.

This applies to everything. It can be as simple as assessing what to do with an email from a friend who wants to catch up with you this fall, to larger decisions around work, relationships, money, or family.

Please remember, fall is the perfect season to be practicing the art of responding thoughtfully, living in “response-ible life flow”, not automatically in “reactionary life flow”.

This will ensure a healthy and happy few months!

All the best!
Court



 

How Mindfulness can help you SPEAK UP!

Have you ever thought of your body as a chat room? Have you ever thought about the thousands and millions of conversations that your body hosts in every given moment?

Your body is like a huge conference centre and there are ongoing panel discussions between your physical body, your emotional body, your mental thoughts, and your spirit every single second of the day.

This is something I’ve been learning in my yoga practice. In yin yoga we hold poses for up to 5 minutes each, giving us an opportunity to feel our physical body, hear our mental thoughts, and notice our emotional responses.

We say, “listen to what your body is saying to you, and listen to what your mind is saying back to your body”.

But who’s talking?

If you can imagine for a moment that you are in an intense leg lunge, and you’re holding it for 5 minutes. Here’s what might happen…

Speaker #1 (physical body) says, “Oh man, my hip really hurts, it feels quite stuck”. It puts that statement out there for all the other panelists to respond to. Speaker #2 (the mental body) might pipe in with it’s opinion first. It might say, “Well, my hips are always tight and they always hurt and there’s no point trying to stay here any longer because nothing will ever change.” To which, Speaker #3 (emotional body) might say, “This is making me feel really frustrated, I hate being in this pose, I’m getting really irritated and want to be doing something fun instead. This sucks!”

This dialogue shows us that in the blink of an eye, we could be having all sorts of conversations amongst multiple speakers that we’re not even aware of.

This brings us to the foundation of a yoga practice. The word “yoga” comes from the root, “to yolk” or “union”. This means that we come together.

However, to me, it also speaks to what one of our life goals should be – oneness with ourselves.

So why is this helpful?

When you start to get comfortable listening to this "conference" dialogue, you get clues as to the general TYPES of conversations that YOU tend to have. Once you know this, in an everyday life situation, you can become a better moderator of that discussion.

Here’s an example:

Imagine you’re at a table with a bunch of loud, outspoken, and over-powering people (for example, a meeting with big-wig clients or dominating co-workers, at dinner with a bunch of extroverted friends, or at a huge gathering with your entire extended family). Everyone at the table is going back and forth loudly giving their opinions but not leaving much room for anyone else to speak.

You try to butt in but no one listens. You start to feel frustrated. Maybe you start to feel hot in the face, maybe your chest clenches a bit. You want to chime in but no one is listening. You keep wanting to open your mouth but there’s no point.

This is a major conversation going on inside your body.

Here, your mind might be saying “No one is listening to you, your words aren’t worth being listened to, don’t even bother”, your emotions might be saying “this makes me feel like I’m a 5 year old again and no one is listening, I’m frustrated and sad and don’t want to be here”, and your body might be saying “ya, you’re right, I can’t relax, I need to clench my chest and close off my heart”.

What do you do?

If you KNOW this conversation is going on, if you KNOW because you’ve experienced this pattern in a safe space before (e.g. on a yoga mat, meditating, or elsewhere), then are better able to shift it. You can see that it’s not what’s going on outside that's making all of this happen, it’s the dialogue that’s going on inside.

As moderator you can change gears.

In this example, you could first change your mental statement to – “I AM worth being listened to, my ideas and opinions ARE great, and I AM confident in my voice”.

This then forces your emotional body to respond with a different emotion, “Oh, you are? Ok, well in that case, I feel a bit better. Actually I feel kind of good. Yah, I totally feel worthy of being here”. And then your physical body might say, “Well you guys seem to be doing alright, I guess I can relax a bit now”.

And so, in my opinion, it’s really important to start listening to this dialogue, because no matter what the situation, can always step back and take a look at what your speakers are saying, and which one is directing the conversation and shift it.

It’s important to love all of these speakers, but then guide them in the direction that you desire when things get a little off track!

Can you do a soul strip show?

I just got back from the Hay House “I Can Do It!” Conference in Toronto. It was a seriously magnificent day and has left me super charged on positive, spiritual energy!

Because of that, I’ve been inspired to write about something that I often think about, and something that many of the speakers spoke to today. I had the honour of listening to Wayne Dyer, Marianne Williamson, Michael Chase, and Robert Holden all speak to some extent or another about the relationship between our soul and our ego.

The whole time I was doodling my way through the concepts. For hours I was drawing stick people to represent how we actually co-exist with these two entities.

One of the things that has become super clear to me today and in my experience, is that as humans, we have an unbelievable ability to oscillate between our ego and our soul at any given moment. . We can strip away the ego and show the soul.

I mean that we can switch back and forth between the wisdom-filled sage and the drama-infused mortal.

I think back to recent conversations I’ve had with friends and co-workers and I find it unbelievable how we, in one instant are able to give such strong advice and in another we plea for that same advice to be given back to us.

I had this experience this week, when I was comforting to my friend, tears streaming down her face, as she talked about a challenging relationship. 20 minutes later, I was also stirred to tears over my own personal relationship journey and suddenly she was the confident cool sage. She instantaneously became my source of advice and support.

How often do we find ourselves telling someone something that we are so sure of – “just listen to your heart”, “be firm with your needs and stand your ground”, or “don’t be so hard on yourself, love yourself first and foremost.”

Why is it easier to speak the truth to someone else than to ourselves?

This is the ego at play.

From what I’ve gathered today and in my own experience is that our ego, aka our conditioned personality or our “head”, is like a cloak that we wear to cover the purity of our being, aka our “heart”, or our soul.

As babies, we are literally and figuratively born naked. We don’t yet have a cloak.

As we are exposed to the circumstances that life gives us – the trauma of getting rejected, feeling failure, feeling inadequate, experiencing heartbreak, sadness, or anger – our ego works overtime to weave us an even thicker cloak.

As time goes on, this cloak becomes our shield. It protects us from experiencing more of what hurts. In the midst of our drama – “I lost my job”, “My family is unbearable”, “My boyfriend didn’t call me” – the cloak is all that we think we have to cope. The more we wear it, the more we come to identify ourselves as the cloak that we wear.

If you imagine the ego as a stick person sitting on top of your shoulder, the stick person is holding out the cloak for you. In his right hand he is also carrying a suitcase full of belief systems that you have collected over the years.

The suitcase might be full of things like, “I suck at relationships, I’m never going to find a romantic partner”, “I have to prove myself through my accomplishments in order to be accepted in the world”, or “if I lose 10 lbs then I’ll finally be happy.”

The cloak and the suitcase prevent us from actually feeling and connecting with what our soul is actually experiencing and saying on the inside.

But it doesn’t change the fact that we are still pure and naked souls underneath.

And yet, when we seek guidance and advice, we seek what is actually inside of us.

How can we be so resilient when it comes to others drama, but not our own?

It seems that in times of connection with others our ego shrinks and our soul comes out to play. When we feel safe and feel like we are supporting others, we remove the cloak effortlessly.

So the point is, in every given moment we have the ability to switch. We have the answers. We don’t need to ask the ego stick person for a cloak.

Those around us are the best mirrors for what we are all capable of. We are capable of being our own sage.

If we listen to the advice that we give others, we are listening to our soul. ☺

What does self love truly mean?

What’s your first reaction to the words “self” and “love”?

Take a minute here.

Are you irritated by those words? Do you feel comfortable with them? Do you think of someone in your life who is “self-loving” and feel annoyed? What do these words mean to you?

I wanted to write this post just before starting the 30-Day Self Love challenge as part of the 30x30 Project because “self love” is a bit of a tricky topic. In fact, it is quite controversial.

I’ve had a number of conversations with friends recently who are worried, nervous, or even unsure of this challenge. Well guess what…SO AM I!

How do we come across as being sincere genuine people wanting to explore ourselves by making positive self affirming statements everyday and not come across as ego-maniacs?

Well here’s my best attempt to dispel myth, share my perspective, listen to what I believe is true, and hopefully calm some nerves.

Why “self love”?

From my point of view, the term “self love” has been appropriated in an interesting yet unhealthy way in recent history.

Love + self = selfish.
Love + self = egotistical.
Love + self = self-absorbed.

Is that what you thought? Well here’s my defense.

There’s so much talk these days about “doing good”, helping others, being socially conscious. But if there’s one thing I’ve learnt over the past few years it’s that the best way to serve and love others, is to serve and love yourself first (see writings by Cheryl Richardson for more on this).

You can’t give wholeheartedly from a place that is empty or depleted. And for those of us that might react strongly to hearing the term "self love", might examine what our relationship is to giving and helping others.

What is it?

From my point of view, self-love is NOT about stroking our ego. It’s not about coming up with false flattery to make ourselves feel better, or thinking that we are better than anybody else. In fact, it’s about separating from the ego, in order to honour who it is that we really are. It’s about self-appreciation, affirmation, and respect. Perhaps a better term is soul-love.

But how often do we do this?

Versus, how often in your life do you find that you judge yourself? How often do you analyze or critique your every action? Every word that you speak? When you do something at work, say something to a friend, or try something new, do you walk away from it and say to yourself “oh my god, I shouldn’t have said that, that was so stupid” or “why did I do that?” or “I should have thought of that instead?”

Well that is the exact OPPOSITE of self love.

Imagine your best friend had done the same thing. Would you judge them as harshly? Would you remind them over and over again about what they could have done better? Probably not.

Instead, how often do you compliment yourself? What does it mean to compliment yourself? How do you feel when others compliment themselves?

To me, self love really boils down to this: love, compassion and non-judgment for yourself. That’s it.

Why 30 days?

According to research in neuroscience, we can actually re-program our brains by re-wiring the neurological pathways that send signals and messages to certain parts of our brain. The more we do something/say something/think something, the more it is repeated in the mind and body, the more it gets deeply ingrained in our cells and changes us. However, our brains are "plastic" and can change.

So what would happen if we consciously practiced this attitude of self-affirming love for 30 Days instead of self judgment and criticism? What if we had to own up to it publicly? How might this transform us? How might this trigger, stimulate or change the way others view the term “self love”?

Will we learn that loving the self is not about loving the ego, but about deeply caring for and seeing the worth and value that each and every one of us bring to this world? Whether it’s the pride we take in the home-baked cookies we made, or whether it’s the ability to congratulate ourselves on a tough talk with the boss at work.

Either way, it’s not about putting yourself up one pedestal, it’s about being honest, vulnerable, and genuinely happy to be the person that you are. So here’s to the courage it takes to do this challenge and to explore your relationship with yourself over the next 30 Days.

Who knows what will happen, but I’m grateful to have others that will be courageously joining along on this exploration! Here we go…..

Does your ego drive your ideas?

Has someone ever said to you “just put that thought in your parking lot?” i.e. great idea, we'll get back to it later when there's more time, money, resources etc.

Or perhaps you might have had someone say to you “you’re such a great visionary” i.e. love the ideas, now how’re we going to do it?

Well I’ve heard it. Sometimes I have so many thoughts running through my head that my mental roadways start to get full of traffic jams. In those instances no “cars” get to move forward because everyone is stuck. I just need some parking lots.

Last month was a particularly traffic jammy type month. I think maybe because it was the start of a new year so I was so eager to jump ahead and get going with plans, new yoga workshop ideas, connections I wanted to make, and interesting people I hoped to meet.

Yet, by the end of the month I had little to show for it, except for a pair of baggy eyes, and an overbooked calendar.

My head was ready to explode.

In yoga and other energy healing modalities, they might say I wasn’t fully “grounded”. I was in my upper chakras of sight/vision and not my lower ones of manifestation, feeling, and creation. I wasn’t fully in my body, I was in my mind, living in the realm of ideas, and not really getting anywhere, just getting overwhelmed.

I had ODed on ideas.

I was paralyzed and didn’t know which way to go because everything seemed so interesting and important. I was in a major mental traffic jam.

Or if each idea/plan/vision were represented by a post-it note, I had no board to post them on. My mind was cluttered with beautiful, multi-coloured stickies, but no wall to stick them to!

With the help of a very dear healer of mine, we spent some time mind-mapping out all of my mental post-its, dumping them onto a table, noticing which were taking up lots of my energy, which I wished would take up more of my energy, what I could park/throw away, and highlighted what I needed to move forward.


Aside from helping me prioritize, this visually showed me something even more interesting…my ego!

My ego was at fault for creating this post-it insanity or this mental car pill up.

I had never really thought about it this way, but yes, all my ideas and eagerness to pursue them right now, was simply my ego taking over (not to be confused with being egotistical, or self-centered).

So I spent some time contemplating this ego.

What was happening in this state of un-groundedness, was I was allowing my ego to orchestrate the symphony of post-its up there. He/she/it was telling me “I want to do it all, I can do it all, I think everything is interesting and worth pursuing, do it…NOW!”.

The problem was, nowhere was my ego telling me what to do first or where to start, or reminding me that I had choice. Ego was not providing me with a bulletin board for support.

So I called in my good friends humility and patience. They helped me sort things out.

I realized that yes, while I find so many ideas interesting and often want to pursue them all, I need to be gentle and not expect my physical self to be able to keep up or make all the ideas into reality.

As soon as I saw it was my ego trying to make me do all of these things, it changed how I approached my list. Even though it wasn’t coming from a place of self-centeredness, it still meant that some inner part of me felt I needed to accomplish it all – that’s ego.

So I created a sort of separation from the ideas, allowed myself to step back, and to say, “who is really driving this urge to get it done? Who is telling me it’s all important?”

And so from now on, I hope to pause before getting overwhelmed with pursuing intriguing ideas and plans, take a look at the mental post-its and remember to always call in patience and humility for help.

What are the post-its that are floating in your head? How might you see them differently if you were to ask yourself “where are these coming from?” and “Who says I need to do them?”

What can gratitude do for YOU?

On a scale from 1 to 10, how grateful are you? If you could chop up your day into little bits, how much time is taken by sincere moments of being thankful? What does your relationship with gratitude look like and what does that word even mean to you?

I just spent 30 days exploring and consciously cultivating my ability to be grateful and to MEAN it.

I’m not UNgrateful. I mean, I always say “thank you”. I’m very polite. But does that mean I am truly grateful?

For example, when asked on the spot to think of something I’m grateful for in a yoga class, do I feel that “thank you” in my bones? Does my entire body sit in that moment of appreciation even after it has gone? Um, maybe, maybe not.

Well I decided I was going to find out.

Starting on Jan. 4, for a full month I posted one statement of gratitude to my Facebook and Twitter walls every day – that way, I would be held fully accountable for my postings (yes, by the FB police and the FB stalker fans I imagine I have)!

So Day 1. I was grateful for the wisdom of my girlfriends. I reflected on the amazing advice I was constantly receiving from them, and it struck me how brilliant and wise friends can be when you really listen.

Day 2. I was grateful for new faces and familiar faces at my yoga classes. Still being a relatively new teacher, I couldn’t have been happier to have their support, so I really sat in that moment of pure happiness.

Day 9. “I’m grateful to have my furnace working again after a 48 hour hiatus”. Never had I been so thankful to have heat. Something so simple, yet had I not been doing this challenge, I probably would not have thought twice about when it came back on. IN FACT, I probably would have thought “stupid landlord, why is he such an incompetent lazy idiot, everything keeps breaking. I want compensation for the hassle”. But instead, I was happy to have heat.

Day 17. I’m grateful for hip-hop music. Enough said.

Day 19. I’m grateful for snuggles with Trapper.

As the days went on, I realized I couldn’t wait to post my gratitude statement. It was something I looked forward to every day!

And then end of January hit. This, I have to say was the lowest point in my month. For about 4 days, I really struggled with finding things to be grateful for. My energy level was so low, my body was tired, work was ramping up, things weren’t going as I had planned, and I felt like I had a million things on my plate. Gratitude was getting tough.

One morning during that period, I had a catch up breakfast planned with my dad. To be honest, the last thing I wanted or needed to do was add another item to “my agenda” for the week. Though I love my dad VERY dearly, I felt stressed just thinking about having a leisurely breakfast on a very busy workday.

Needless to say, I went.

And as a result, I felt one of the deepest moments of gratitude that I had during the whole challenge.

I told myself, “Courtney, you are here with dad, the office is not here, you aren’t going to find your new apartment in this moment, you aren’t going to make your yoga lesson plan here, why think about that, you are here”.

So I looked at him, and let my heart open. I let the breakfast go on much longer than I had planned. I let myself cry in front of him from exhaustion. I let myself feel.

And as I continued to feel, I started to feel a sense of lightness. I realized I was feeling sincere happiness for having the eternal love of my parents. I was feeling gratitude.

As a result, I left with happy tears in my eyes for that moment of reflection. And a post to write:

Day 24. I’m grateful for heart to heart chats over breakfast with my dad :)

I left thinking, when I can say I’m grateful for heart to heart chats with someone I love, then searching for an apartment, sending out those emails, or writing that report, don’t seem like such big deals.

I gave my dad a hug goodbye, and it wasn’t just a thank you, it was a THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart.

As my month drew to a close, I continued my posts and I saw more and more people joining the challenge. Every day I would log on and my wall would be speckled with “Day 3. Today I’m grateful for…”, “Day 17. I am grateful for…”. It literally made my heart jump, I was so THRILLED!

As my final post for Day 30 I wrote, “Today I am grateful for being witness to all the gratitude and inspirational stories that came from this challenge”. The number of people who reached out to me, letting me know what it meant for them to be a part of it, was amazing.

Being one who didn’t grow up in a religious household and has not adhered to many rituals before, I realized that the 30 Day Gratitude Challenge became more than just posting statement or funny remarks on a wall. It really became a ritual – it became an exercise in strengthening optimism and hope. It became a ritual that others became a part of.

The challenge made me feel so connected to the others that were participating (and still are participating – keep going guys!!)

Knowing that every single day, we were all sharing the exact same human emotion, was exquisitely moving and powerful. And I miss it now!

And so, as I end my story, I open it up to you and your experiences with gratitude. I welcome your thoughts and reflections on the challenge or on gratitude in general. How do you experience it? How might it change your perception of situations or people in your life? What can gratitude make possible for you?

With lots of love (and eternal gratitude ☺),
Court xo

What building is your body?

You know the saying “my body is my temple”? Well I’ve been thinking about that lately, given that it’s the New Year and high up on many people’s resolution lists are things like “I want to drink less”, “I want to work out more”, “I want to eliminate my love handles/beer belly/[insert relevant body part here]”.

So I was in the gym today (NOT due to a resolution) and started thinking about that saying. I started looking around and wondering who actually considers their body to be their temples, versus who considers it to be their not-good-enough, need-to-fix, not-quite-perfect thing they live with?

But we live everyday of our lives IN this vessel, just like the house we sleep in every night. This magnificent container holds all of our emotions, mental thoughts, belief systems, and physical matter. But do we regularly view it as one of the single most important things in our lives? In many cases, no - we take it for granted.

So as I was thinking this, I was staring out the window at a church spire. Then I caught a glimpse of a smoke stack. “Interesting juxtaposition,” I thought. Both tall thin structures, yet one is holy the other is harmful. I’m 5’11’ – I could be either a spire or a smoke stack, depending on my personal perspective of my temple. But I don’t want to be either…I want to create my own building.

My building would be tall but also wide, showing its strength. It would be soft but have a solid foundation in the earth, and lots of skylights connecting up to the stars, sun, moon, etc. It would have a fire burning everyday on the inside and the glow from the fire would shine out through all of the windows (lots of windows!). I would have a waterfall on the inside, constantly flowing and moving. At the centre there would be plush chairs, maybe some satin, and a cozy warm coloured carpet. There would be some soft curtains that could drape over the windows, but I would decide when to keep them open and when to close them. There would also be balconies to reach out to other buildings.

But my building is not static. Buildings constantly change – as we choose to invest in them and improve them, or neglect them and let them fall apart. At one point my building may have had a few nooks and crannies, but I’ve recently done some renovations and decided it’s much more enjoyable to have an open concept living area, so I can move freely around.

I’ve also opened up the attic, and made it more of a loft, because I found myself spending a bit too much time up there and not enough time down on the ground floor. And finally, there are touches of gold and intricate detailing on the façade, so that when you look closely you can appreciate the complexity.

So that’s my building. That’s what I envisioned in my 30-minute elliptical session. Not focusing on time, calories burnt, distance achieved, but rather the magnificent vessel that was propelling me.

Now in keeping with this metaphor, I thought wouldn’t it be great if the next time we find ourselves saying negative self-talk, we could go back to that image of the building that we created. Would we say the same thing about our body if we spun it into a metaphor?

Would my gassy stomach be so bad if it was simply a bubble machine inside the living room? Would my cracking knees be so embarrassing if they were simply the beautiful hardwood flooring of my bedroom?

What areas in your building do you tend to focus on and what areas do you neglect because they aren’t “pretty”? How can we begin to appreciate the whole building?

And my final question is, where do you find yourself residing most often within your building? Do you spend most of your time standing at the window, gazing out but not opening the door and walking into the garden? Do you love decorating or paying attention to the ground floor, the social areas, and the feeling areas, the cozy living room where you can warm up with others but sometimes forget about the rooftop patio that connects you to the sky and your own solitude?

As I said, I have in the past spent a lot of the time in the attic – in my mind. And while the attic is really fun, it can get lonely and cold, since it’s far away from the feeling of the ground, the fire and everyone else around it.

So would spending a bit more time focusing on the lower floors - my emotional body be so scary if it was simply another inviting room in the house to explore?

Probably not.

The next time you find yourself making resolutions or opinions about this temple that is your unique body, I invite you to first imagine your beautiful building. Ask yourself how you view each physical body part, and how you view your other bodies (mental, emotional, spiritual), and how do they manifest in your building. Then look at the temple that you are, the places that you go to inside that temple, and maybe what areas could use a little more love and care. Then go there! ☺

Are you a holiday hero?

Yesterday my coworker shared with me a quote about organizational success that got my wheels turning. He said, “If you want to keep great people, don’t rely on the hero.”

What? But heroes help people. Heroes save the day. Don’t they?

Not always. The hero in this instance is not the courageous or gallant figure like in the storybooks. The hero in this instance is someone who has difficulty honouring themselves and their needs. They are always trying to please others and get the job done no matter what the cost. The hero stays at work into the wee hours making everyone else’s jobs easier but their own. The hero is someone whose determination to please their boss or coworkers comes at the expense of their own health and happiness.

So as I thought about this, I realized it rings true in every aspect of our lives, particularly at this time of year.

How often do we find ourselves trying to make others happy during the holidays? How often do we sacrifice our own plans in order to run around and see every possible person that we know? How often do we say yes to parties and celebrations in order to make sure people know we care for them?

But how many people get sick in November and December? How many are completely rundown and exhausted by the New Year?

This is no coincidence.

Holiday heroes are out in full force. I think if there is one time of year when it’s all about “others” and not “us”, it’s now. Sadly we listen less to our own needs because that’s seen as being greedy – and no one can be greedy during the holidays.

I was reflecting on my own “hero-ness”, and for me, what I sacrifice is my rest. I’m already a pretty social person, so when holidays roll around I ramp it up ten fold. I say yes to all the wine and cheeses, all the dinner parties, partly because I want to see everyone, but partly because I want them to know I value them. However, in the past, this has meant almost 30 days straight of being “out”. That’s like, 150 hours a month of being cheery and on your game.

But in fact, being so social over the holidays, is unnatural. According to some eastern philosophies and the Celtic calendar, the months leading up to the Winter Solstice is the prime time to rest, reflect, and introspect.

I believe in western society we have a skewed version of rest. Rest is not for the weak, or so they say. Our society has created some rules around rest. For example, one night a week seems reasonable to stay in and do nothing. One full day a week might seem ok too. But what if we block off two entire weeks in a row from seeing anybody? No evenings out, no socializing with friends or family or loved ones?

Would you see that person as someone taking care of themselves, or would we see them as someone who was being anti-social, depressed, or lazy? What are our rules around rest? What defines too much rest?

More importantly, why do we feel a sense of guilt around pleasing ourselves first? Why can’t we empathize with those who just need to lay low in this busy time, without seeing it as an insult or that that person value us less than the other people on their agenda? Perhaps they are just listening to what their bodies are telling them at that very moment.

So in my opinion, a real holiday hero is someone who is able to rest. They are able to say no without feeling a sense of guilt. They are confident enough to know that not running around finding the "perfect" gift, or hosting the best dinner party, or attending every celebration, will not make them look like scrooge. In contrast, they know what will make them sick and rundown. A hero we should admire is someone who understands and respects their bodies, and knows when and how much to give versus when they just need to stay in with a cup of tea and a movie :)

What kind of hero are you going to be this year?

What's your shadow side?

What’s your shadow side?

Can you think of someone who has really gotten under your skin lately and you don’t know why? Someone who has set you off for no logical reason?

Lately, I’ve been reflecting a lot about what my emotional triggers are and with who they come out. It all started because I went to a yoga class recently where my teacher talked about a thing called our “shadow side”.

Our shadow side or sides are the deep dark parts of ourselves, which we reject or try to ignore. Some examples might be our inability for self-expression, a lack of confidence, discomfort with our sexuality, a need for control, perfectionism, etc. etc. We judge ourselves for these qualities and deny them these within our identity. When this happens they get taken away from the spotlight of our consciousness.

But what happens when they get put back into the spotlight?

Without knowing it, we come face to face with our shadow sides more often than not because other people are true reflections of them.

What happens when someone who hates the perfectionist within, meets another perfectionist?

What happens when our shadow sides emerge out of the dark in our loved ones, our friends, our coworkers, or strangers? What emotions arise?

I, for example, have noticed that in the past I would get intensely frustrated and annoyed at people who were soft spoken or overly timid. I would look at them, and would feel my anger and irritation rising in my body. I almost couldn’t stand being around them. I didn’t have patience to deal with their shyness. Why couldn’t they just speak up? Why couldn’t they just say what was on their mind? Why didn’t they have the confidence to stand up for themselves?

Well, I now look back and realize, that’s exactly what I was working through at the time. That was my one of my shadows – my hesitation to speak my mind. I rejected the part of me that was trepidatious about being loud and more self-expressive. And so when it was reflected back to me in someone else, I rejected it in them too.

Another thought is that sometimes these are patterns that we learn from our family by osmosis. So when we lash out a parent or sibling (which happens more than any other people we know), perhaps it is because they are doing exactly what we refuse to accept about ourselves. Maybe we see them working too hard to please others and this annoys us. Maybe they don’t speak their mind in an argument, maybe have a strong work ethic and get stressed easily and this triggers us.

Whatever it is, it’s interesting to see what patterns are there, recognize them, and start to wonder, what is my reaction and why am I having it? And what do I want to do about it? Is there an alternative?

We have the power to change those reactions when we realize underneath, it’s just judgment about ourselves. Can we become compassionate toward them and therefore toward our own shadows?

Today, I notice that my shadows have changed, but they are still there and they come up in the workplace, in friendships, and even in intimate relationships.

I guess my resolution is to now come at it with a sense of curiosity and see it as an opportunity to reflect on myself. I’m interested to know, where is this coming from? WHY am I so annoyed at this person? And can I connect it back to something that I am refusing to accept about my current identity?

After all, I’ve gone from a child who was shy, soft spoken, and timid, to someone who is now writing a personal blog and speaking in front of others as a yoga teacher! And most importantly, these quiet qualities in orders no longer trigger me. Hope that’s inspiration enough ☺

Is Halloween about horror or love?

What if we treated every day like Halloween? What if everyday, we were able to enjoy the magic of our imaginations? What if everyday, it didn’t matter that a dancing unicorn could be hugging Lady Gaga in a meat dress?

I just got home from the one of the BEST street parties I have ever been to – the Church Street Block Party – right in the heart of “the village”, downtown Toronto. And I have to say, after spending a couple of hours there, I feel inspired by the love, the fun, and the spirit of thousands of hyped up Halloween hopping Torontonians.

Thousands of strangers all dancing to Rihanna, talking pictures with each other, and smiling at everyone and everything around them. No one was a stranger.

What touched me was how uninhibited we become by the costumes that we wear. I stood there watching people for nearly an hour as they interacted with people they didn’t know. They complimented each other on their outfits, they high fived the weird ones, they posed with the fantastical. Ironically, putting up these costume barriers, actually bring us closer together. No one is an outsider because we are all the same in our ability to let go, be silly, and not take life too seriously, for one night.

Barbie was not holding hands with Ken, she was making out with E.T. Priscilla Queen of the Desert troop to sing with Gene Simmons.

In fact, you would never think that a special occasion such as Halloween, the night when old spirits come back to haunt the living, could actually be a day embodied by tolerance, acceptance, and love.

But that’s what this party was all about. In my mind this celebration, was about diversity. It shone a light on our ability to let down our guards and celebrate among people, who under every day circumstances would probably not have the courage to talk to each other. But somehow, under all that dress we accept that we are all the same and we trust one another.

My friends and I asked a few people “what does Halloween mean to you” – and it was unanimous. The avatar, the mad hatter, and the Crayola man all said “love and fun”.

So if we’re all just dying for love and fun, do we really need costumes to do that?

Why are we so afraid of 'weird'?

I had the most interesting experience on the London tube this evening. I hopped on at Russell Square on my way back to my friend’s place in Clapham Common. It was about 9:45pm, and I was alone.

I generally feel an aura of safety around me when I travel solo but sometimes the London underground can set me off a bit – I’ve seen some strange things down there. So I was alert.

I got down to the platform and noticed ahead of me were a set of long legs marching along. The legs were wearing jet black pointy heeled boots that went ¾ up the thighs, The upper thighs were bare, up until the cameo patterned skin tight booty shorts, barely covering this person’s buttocks. I couldn’t make out the rest of the outfit since the person was half way up the stairs already. Needless to say, I was automatically thinking “street worker? stripper?”, and slowed my pace just a bit.

But then I caught a glimpse of this person...not a young woman at all! In fact, not even a woman! It was a balding, grey haired old man.

Very odd I thought.

I got on the train and took a spot standing in the middle of the car. When I looked over, I caught a glimpse of this man, standing only a few feet away from me. His belly was entirely bare and hanging out, he had a matching cameo-patterned cropped top, and a black leather collar around his neck. No one was standing near him.

I thought, this is really strange. What’s his story?

Then I looked at his face. And I kid you not, what I saw moved me. He had the face of an angel. He looked deeply serene, so content, and so unmoved by all the stares, whispers, and snickers around him.

My gaze was glued to this interesting man. He must have been nearly 70, but his face didn’t show it. His skin glowed. His eyes were a clear blue.

I became intensely curious. I wanted to know more about him. I wanted to prove to people around him that he was the angel that I saw, despite his unsual appearance. I didn’t have the guts to strike up a conversation and ask about his clothes, but I did have the courage to move closer and ask him if he wanted to take a seat that had just become available.

And in the most beautiful British accent he said to me, “No, you go ahead dear”. And so I sat directly in front of him and smiled. He smiled back. He continued to stand there unmoved by the stupid circus of judgmental onlookers surrounding him.

I spent the next 2 minutes or so looking around, feeling my heart ache as I saw two young Japanese girls looking and laughing at him. And a young couple gazing over and then back at each other, snickering together. And two complete strangers who both noticed this man and at the same time looked at each other and found comfort in the difference they saw in him but not in themselves.

I thought to myself - how dare they! None of these people know what’s going on in his head or life. And they don’t even have the courage to find out. They just find solace in snickering and assuming that he’s a complete weirdo and they are not.

Had he been harmful, then that would be a different story. But he was minding his own business, and what’s more, he had the will to be different. He had the courage to bust people’s perceptions of what’s normal and acceptable.

At the next stop, the man got off. As he walked out the door, he said, in his lovely well-mannered British accent “Pardon me, please”, and kindly slipped by and was gone. I couldn’t help but notice on his way out, what he was carrying over his shoulder. It was a black book bag and written on it was something like “Management Conference Association”.

That just did it for me! I bet not one other person on the train even noticed that. Instead, as soon as he left, it was like a giant secret bubble had been popped and a huge sigh of relief and laughter followed.

Nothing had to be said because it was obvious what they were all thinking. “Thank God he’s gone. What a weirdo. That was soooo bizarre.”

I was nearly brought to tears. I imagined all the other people in the world that have to face this sort of ridicule and speculation on a daily basis just because we are a culture afraid of difference.

Well what the hell are we afraid of? Why can’t a man wear high heels and a black collar and spandex shorts if he wants to? It doesn’t mean he isn’t well mannered and a gentle soul. Maybe he wears a business suit by day and wants to make a point with this alternative outfit at night. Who knows? Who cares.

In any case, I got back to my friend’s place (a fellow anthropologist) and we talked about the sadness in the world when “difference” is such a scary thing for most people. And how Lady Gaga can wear a meat dress for God’s sake but people still feel they have the right to laugh at an ordinary person who they know nothing about.

So I ask everyone who reads this, next time you find yourself being entertained at the expense of another person, ask yourself “what is really so funny?” and then get curious about what that person’s story could be. It may surprise you.

Why is it that when it rains, it pours?

Why?
Because we are more powerful than we think.
We have gotten so good at asking for things, for wanting, wishing, and seeking out more, more, more...that when the universe actually answers, we are totally unprepared for it!

I'm going through this right now. I have a checklist of things that I have been "asking for"/"praying for"/"hoping for" (whatever you want to call it). And I've basically gotten them. I've carved out my ideal situation - with jobs, relationships, living arrangements - all the core elements that make up a happy, satisfying life in my mind...

But I'm getting exhausted. So there is one thing that I have forgotten to ask for. SUPPORT.

I need an UMBRELLA!!!

We live in such a time of excess and abundance and OVERLOAD...we're in constant limbo between the tension of having it all and not being able to cope with it all. We're like dogs trying to catch our own tails sometimes. Time is speeding up. Things are getting more complicated. What to do?

Ask for help. Weed things out. The full moon just passed (generally busiest time of month for many people) and now it wanes. It is the time to let things go.

I for one, despite having asked for some rain, refuse to be caught in a torrential downpour!!!

So we'll see how it goes. I still want the job/relationships/cool living situation but my next "wish" is for support in keeping me on track and keeping the things in my life that will help me do that, while weeding out the ones that won't. Basically I need a highly selective-semi-permeable umbrella.

That exists doesn't it?

Is your car a vegetarian?

Mine is. I swear it's true. My sister and I had an hour conversation with my car on the weekend confirming that it likes lettuce, spring rolls, beans, onions, and for dessert, strawberry ice cream! But hamburgers? Absolutely not. Yuck.

I have no idea how the conversation started - I think it had something to do with my brake pads not working properly and my poor car shuddering every time I tried to slow down or stop. For some reason this was hilarious to my sister. She has a sort of infectious laugh that is impossible to ignore.

With her giggling in the passenger seat, I had two options - get even more worked up, start yelling at her to shut up, and outwardly curse the god damn autoshop that just replaced my clutch and told me my brakes were fine (bullshit!!) OR I could laugh along with her.

Laugh? How could I laugh with her when I could momentarily smash into the car in front of me? How could I make light of this situation? There is only one answer...imagination.

And so it was: my car was farting.

Yes, my car was having a severe case of car farts, hence the jerks and the shuddering. That was the only "logical" explanation. My poor baby, I decided, had a bad case of upset stomach because he ate bad onions last night.

"Bad onions?" my sister asked.

"Why yes, he normally doesn't eat onions...I think he's allergic, but he got pretty greedy last night and overindulged in some oniony Indian food."

A puzzled but intrigued look from my sister.

"My car is a vegetarian you know. He really likes salads. Sometimes soups but not in the summer, too hot for him. What else does he like? Oh yes, chickpeas..HUGE fan of chickpeas. Sometimes he's in the mood for pizza but not usually...."

"What else does he like" she asks.

Hold on, I'll ask him....

And on and on I went until my sister was convinced my car was talking to me, answering my questions about his diet, and then she too got into the convo - just to be sure I wasn't lying...about the fact that he doesn't eat ribs.

So for the next hour or so, while I could have been having a panic attack knowing my brake pads were wearing thin, my sister and I made light of the situation using a little dose of imagination.

It got me thinking about when else we can tap into this ultra cheap, quite natural, and always accessible tool to help guide us through life's challenges. When things just don't go our way and we can't do anything about it in the moment, what can we do to alleviate the pain? Can we make a game? Can we talk to the problem as if it were a person (insert body part, car trouble, iphone crisis)? Or can we just try and have a laugh about it, see how it feels? I found by talking to my car, I suddenly had a greater appreciation for all that it does for me. I actually started to convince myself that my car had a unique personality and I should treat it like a friend. Maybe I should treat my next injury in this manner - talking to a twisted ankle might not fix it, but it sure would make me more grateful for having body parts that work. If nothing else, imagination certainly helps us change my perspective and makes things go a little more smoothly.

What do plastic surgeons have in common with urban planners?

I'll tell you in a minute. But first I have to backtrack for a second and share a little tid bit of information: about two years ago if you had asked me whether I was interested in politics I would have said, "yes...sure...absolutely!" The truth? While I enjoy studying politics (i.e. the academic bit, the theory), in reality, the only part of the newspaper that I actually read (and not even on a regular basis) is the Life Section. (thank goodness for the life section!)

So why did I lie? I feel like we are such a generation of do-gooders, go-getters, and change makers, that we all want to be seen as extraordinary, super aware, socially conscious, caring citizens. We want to be everything all at once - environmentalists, social activists, political advocates, international volunteers. Anything that challenges the screw ups the generations before us did. And if we don't? We're not good citizens?

This is nonsense. As I've come to realize, I suffered from a complete and utter case of the "making a difference complex". I put so much pressure on myself to seem remotely interested and involved at every level of "doing good", that I missed the whole point.

And what is the point? The point is...the world is like the human body...to heal, it requires so many different forms of therapy and types of treatment. But each one has its place. I will use the analogy of my own body for a moment. About 7 years ago I had a pretty bad ski fall, I twisted my neck, got whiplash and busted my shoulder. As standard procedure would dictate, I went to see a physio for a few months. Fine, problem solved. No, not really. Years later, I still found my neck to be an issue. I then started seeing a chiropractor, who adjusted the vertebrae, structurally getting everything back in alignment. Still not good enough. I then went to a massage therapist, she massages the hell out of my shoulders and neck trying to loosen everything up. Meh, some progress, but only enough to get those pesky muscles that were gripping at my vertebrae to let go temporarily. Then I see an osteopath and wow, does she get deep. She's working on the connective tissue level and telling me it all has to do with my heavy liver (huh? exactly)...basically my liver is acting as an anchor to my neck and pulling at it constantly via the minute tissue all through the right side of my body. Interesting. Finally, I go to yoga. Yoga works on balancing out my emotional body, opening my heart for example and making me realize that when I have emotional stress, my neck gives out. So how to prevent that? Practice more yoga, examine my feelings.

So, to make a long story short, I have needed help from almost every possible practioner i could get my hands on, and have worked on the cellular level to the very superficial level.

So...what does a plastic surgeon have in common with an eco-urban planner? Well, I would say that everyone out there trying to "make a difference" can be likened to some kind of body healer or medical practitioner, with everyone's focus and scale of practice being different.

For example, political types, lawyers, and policy makers are like chiropractors. They look at the building blocks of the body, aka the structure in society. They can change the rules, make new legislation, and systematic changes that aim to keep our social body in check. The plastic surgeon works on making us look good on the outside, just as devoted green urban planners try to revitalize the city with rooftop gardens, waterfront face lifts, and community art projects. What about the grass roots activists? People working directly with others at the ground level - alleviating poverty, building homes in earthquake stricken areas, witnessing tragic conditions everyday? They are the physiotherapists, crucial for mobilizing the large joints of our social body. They help to push and shift and strengthen our world on a more macro level. Without them, our muscles would seize up. And then of course there are those educators, innovators, motivators, coaches, and individuals trying to make change via altering the mindset of our society. The spiritual leaders and the philosophical teachers that are gently rocking the fascia of our world. This is the least intrusive social therapy I know of, akin to osteopathy or yin yoga, it is nonviolent and stretches out the most minute parts of our social body that we like to grip on to because that's what feels normal. But these tissues are also the hardest to move. Our mindsets and belief systems are the hardest to change. It takes patience and gentle prodding to make people over-turn their values.

So, where has my political-inferiority complex gone? Well now I see, that rather than being ashamed by the fact that I don't know as much as some of my friends about the current political system, the Copenhagen summit, or Canadian laws, and I'm not jumping at the chance to travel to Namibia to hand out condoms and birth control to young girls...I still have a place as a concerned, caring and engaged citizen. We can't be everything at once...so I'll stick to what I know - and that's definitely not cracking bones!

Reflections "On the Wings of Love": Who is the YOU that you want to BE?

What could we possibly learn from a show like the Bachelor? It's clearly fake, and obviously that Roslyn chick was just hired to add some juiciness to the show, and basically the only reason I watch it is to see what extravagant date ideas I can snag for my hypothetical future dates. However, having said that, after watching the finale last week I surprisingly came away with one somewhat substantial piece of insight, and am shocked to admit, I may just use it in my own dating life. This revelatory moment came when, I believe, one of Jake's sisters mentioned that Vienna (the supposedly psycho, self-centered, trailer trash girl from Florida), made Jake laugh. She brought out the goofy side in him, the side that the family knew well, but that those "perfect-Tenleyesque-pedestal girls" could not seem to tease out of him.

It's so true. The more I watched his interaction with Tenley, someone so clearly in tune with him in terms of core values, interests, and general disposition, the more I realized they were almost too perfect together. Jake kept saying, "there is something missing, nothing is wrong, but there is just something missing". What is that missing thing? He couldn't even begin to explain it. Well I'll tell you what it is - it's the ability to be the person that you love to be. It's almost like, when with someone else, you begin to fall in love with yourself. We think this way in terms of friends don't we? I know that the friends that I cherish the most are the ones that make me love who I am around them...no falsehoods, no trying hard, everything is easy, and FUN!

So when looking for a partner, we should really be looking at ourselves...at the "(insert my name) I am when I am around (insert partner's name)". Do we like ourselves when we are around that person? Do we show sides of our personality that might not always shine through in other relationships?

I think about all the people that I have known, the guys that I have dated, and honestly, the ones that stick out in my mind the most, are the ones that didn't just align with my own values/interests/perspectives on life, but those that had that mysterious thing that wasn't missing, the "je ne sais quoi"...for me that was bringing out the kid in me. I know I can be a bit serious at times, but I know that I love to be a huge goof-ball, so it just takes the right person to stimulate that in me :) It's not something I can check off on a list, or put out in a personal ad, its not a characteristic someone has and another doesn't...its just the magic of the interaction that two particular people can have in a particular moment in their lives.

So who is the you that you want to be? Now go find the person that makes it happen!

A Look at Funemployment

I read an article in the paper the other day, which stared me straight in the face and said “Courtney, this is about you”. It was titled “Unemployed? More like Funemployed: Today's out-of-work twenty and thirty-somethings are enjoying their leisure time with ultimate frisbee and travel over getting in the job hunt”. It also had a picture of a young woman working on her tan. Check, check, check, yes you got me.

But I thought I would try to rectify this misconception that it’s so easy and stressfree not being employed. In fact, for some of us, this state of funemployment is not all that different from having a job. Despite not being on someone’s payroll, some of us are still naturally inclined to carry out research in our everyday lives. I recently went out for a walk with a girlfriend of mine and she pointed this out to me. I had confessed to her that despite being unemployed at the moment, having all the time in the world to do nothing, I was overwhelmed. She asked why and I said I was getting carried away by my own curiosity. I kept coming up with different things to do to occupy my time; it’s as if I was trying to get a PhD in relaxation. My friend, also a fellow academic and curious spirit, nonchalantly told me, well that’s just you, you’re a “researcher” and inquisitive so you’re always looking into something new. For the past month I have researched every possible yoga studio in Toronto, every Buddhist meditation centre, vegetarian restaurant, and countless volunteer opportunities that might suit my interests. This is all mixed in with the fact that I’m trying to find a job, maintain my social network, and spend time with my family. Funemployment is exhausting!

But does it have to be this way? How silly (and spoilt) is it to be stressed over planning my cottage hopping weekends and organizing lunch dates!

For the past four days, I was lucky enough to detach myself from the city and head up north to my cottage to enjoy the long overdue summer weather. Up there, my inner researcher was challenged. Hesitantly, my mind paused. It had no resources to tap into. I had no places to go scope out, no websites to get lost in, and no people to network with. Finally, bliss!

Or boredom?

I have to admit, it took me about a day or two to settle into this new frame of mind. With no NOW magazine to read about this month’s exciting events in the city and gmail to whip up some “know of anyone who might be looking for…” type emails, I had to just settle for my book and sit with nature.

I figured, this constant research quest is like an addiction, though slightly less lethal. As soon as I am tempted with the use of the internet or access to what’s going on, my mind goes into a state of excitement, ecstasy at the possibilities that could unfold when I click on the “search” button. But without these resources I was left hanging, a researcher stranded in a space that could not further my goals. Or could it?

As it turned out, this space gave me a chance to reflect. Something that I did really well on my meditation retreats in India, but the difference was, there I went in with the purpose of reflecting and taking time to question what it was that I wanted. Now, I am unemployed and feel like I need to take action fast. But I’ve had to shift this mentality and see slowing down as very worthwhile for its own sake. Everything I learnt in India came back to me. I wasn’t being stimulated by outside things or given the opportunity to plan next week’s “fun” activities. I just had to enjoy doing “nothing”. This made me realize, even when I’m in the city looking for leisurely things to do, that process can be anxiety provoking and stressful. And it doesn’t have to be that way if I balance it with some isolated “me-time”, not being active (or proactive to be more accurate) but rather, reflective.

So over those days at the cottage, I revelled in my funemployment and I spent my time writing and thinking and feeling. I slowed down and was able to really focus. Clarity was the result; without being clouded by distractions I could start to see what it is that I want to achieve this summer and what my future intentions are. I can’t say that I have found all the answers, but I can say that without this “forced” passive time, I would be completely lost in my excessive research and never come up with my main thesis!

The Man Who Plays with Soldiers

A 60 year old man who plays with miniature soldiers, is he nuts or is he a genius?

Like many people, my neighbour has a hobby that he loves. However, it just so happens that is doesn’t fall into the regular category of leisure activities. Unlike those whose downtime might consist of playing golf, reading, or painting, my neighbour plays with little plastic soldiers. The irony is, he is a professional psychologist. While he has made a career out of counselling others on their mental, emotional, and psychological issues, on the outside what he does seems to be not so rock solid. So having most likely seen some of the craziest of crazies out there, one might wonder, how sane is this guy? Would you want someone who spends his free time locked up in the basement playing with miniature militia and obsessing over his new castles to counsel you on your normalcy?

For the past few years, he has come up to our family cottage to use the grounds as his battlefield. He sets up imaginary wars with forts, tanks, and soldiers. Each summer, inevitably we find at least one wounded soldier lost in battle, and inevitably I have to make up some explanation to friends about why a fake plastic soldier is hanging out in our lawn. But for years I have never really questioned his hobby nor really seen it as something worth my consideration. But for some reason, this summer, sitting at the cottage alone with him for the first time, I am really curious what it’s all about.

So lounging in an inner tube in the pond, I ask him and he casually reveals to me the world of war games and miniature battles. I find out it involves attending conferences that bring together all the other (yes, he’s not the only one) likeminded battle guys to discuss ground tactics and castle engineering design! As he patiently answers my questions and goes deeper into sharing his hobby with me I become enthralled. It’s fascinating! I realize “playing” with these toys involves more than just a hap-hazard placement of plastic pieces, it involves researching and re-enacting historic battles, choosing which commands and orders to use, and working out ways to improvise moves to witness a new outcome. So it definitely does have a side that would satisfy someone’s search for the rational, but more importantly, it taps into a side of him that a lot of us (in our quest to grow up) have lost along the way, his inner child.

After talking to him, I began to reflect on where my inner child is. And what a perfect moment to do so, because sitting around the family cottage immediately takes me back to childhood memories. It connects me to the hours upon hours that I would spend using my imagination to create my own fun. I would amuse myself designing pretend offices in the rock wall that lines our swimming pool, using flat rocks as stationary, skinny rocks as staplers, and so on, stretching my creativity as far as it would go. I would spend days in the pool playing mermaid games and designing treasure hunts, and I too would build imaginary cities and fictional scenarios out of miniature figurines, LEGO blocks, and plastic animal toys. In fact, I think that was the most fun summer activity I ever did! So with such a rich bank of memories like this, why am I so quick to judge what my neighbour is doing?

Having just finished my masters and had some time to travel, I’m actually in a point in my life where I’m actively trying to reconnect with my “inner child”. Having spent so many years in academia and prepping my serious side for the real world, making sure I had a good head on my shoulders, I’ve actually realized that what I miss and long for is my old sense of silliness! A feeling of uninhibited, non-resistant freedom and an openness to do the things that grown ups aren’t supposed to do. I suppose it’s a common identity struggle as a 25 year old, trying to be a grown up, establish my adult persona, become independent, become respected by the adult community, but not lose myself along the way.

So as I sit here, on the first day of summer, lounging on a chair in the front lawn, I’m literally scanning my childhood, remembering what fun I could make out of thin air. I’m looking over at a hammock, behind which used to be a sandbox where I would make elaborate sand forts with just one plastic shovel and bucket. To my right is a slight slope in the ground, which seems trivial now, but as a child is was the best toboganning hill around. I would go up and down hundreds of times before getting bored. The plain grassy lawn which now doesn’t seem to be an obvious source of fun, used to be a breeding ground for exciting activities such as flying a kite, doing cartwheels, playing Frisbee, or making obstacles courses for my dog. In the distance I see “beachy” my secret hideout revolving around a big beach tree that I loved to climb. Each branch had a separate function, one was the outlook spot, another was the swinging branch, and another the lounger. I could continue describing all the different ways I entertained myself as a kid, the creative games I played, but in all honesty it’s a sad kind of nostalgia for what I once was able to do. Why don’t I have the urge to play hide and seek?

However, there is still hope! All of this consideration of childhood and imagination has actually made me aware of others that are also tapping in to it. I recently went on a yoga retreat where I met a very well put together women, quite serious on the outside and solid as a rock in her meditation, but surprisingly she was a huge advocate for colouring books! She claimed that it was her time to just be a kid and colour in pictures of fairies without feeling silly or embarrassed. She loved the use of bright colours, the movement of her arms, and above all, the ability to do something with no specific purpose at all. Upon her advice, I went out to Toys R Us and bought myself a 64 set of Crayola crayons to begin colouring again. Why not? Maybe I’ll even invest in some glitter and make a collection of sparkly masterpieces. If I let myself enjoy it again, then maybe this feeling of seriousness will just seem…silly. Obviously, we have our responsibilities as we grow older, we have the practicalities of dealing with finding a job, finding a partner, paying bills, but we also have a responsibility not to become a dried out cookie cutter mould uninspired individual that only seems to have fun by being entertained by something else, drinking, movie going, etc. Ultimately, we should not forget what we enjoyed as a kid.

So back to my friend, the soldier guy. Is he nuts? Well, I would argue that he is in fact one of the brightest and wisest people I know. I admire him for his ability to just do it, to pick up a hobby that looks a little loony on the outside, but is something that gives him immense joy and above all, gets him lined up with his inner child!

The New B.F.F.

Below is an account of one of my first evenings out in Toronto after coming home from a two month trip experiencing life as a meditative yogi in India. This is about the new Best Friend Forever in town. Here is the scenario:

It’s an unusually warm evening in May, perhaps about 30 degrees Celsius. I’m sitting on a rooftop patio with about ten of my closest friends, a mix of guys and girls – though predominantly guys – and I’m looking around at a swanky Yorkville crowd, guys fashionably clad in their sleek work attire and girls celebrating the promise of summer in short, flirty dresses. Most are here it seems also celebrating the balmy Thursday night and the proximity of the weekend. So I’m up here really soaking up the fact that I’m finally back in a calm North American city, relaxing with people I have not seen in ages, not being hassled by pesky Indian men trying to sell me their “best quality” scarves, or asking me where I’m from, or calling me “friend”. At this moment I am actually surrounded by my real friends, people I’ve grown up with and who know me in all my various forms and temperaments. Totally comfortable and happy to be back among the familiar, I suddenly look around the table and to my amazement I see something so completely foreign. I witness an alien phenomenon that can be summed up in one haunting word:

BLACKBERRY.

I suddenly feel awkward and unsure of what to say, do, or who to turn to. Within the tight grips of every one of my friends’ hands is a little black piece of plastic seeming to contain their extremely important social worlds and realities. For a moment, picture yourself as a foreigner peering in on this for the first time; ten young adults sitting around a table, faces down, slumped back in their chairs, fingers typing furiously into a little black machine. The machine gets put down and literally 2 seconds later (following the cue of a quick buzz vibration) the machine comes alive and yells to its owner “pick me up. NOW!”. Obediently, the well trained Blackbearer picks it up and begins to type, repeating the same ritual over and over, adding in small bursts of laughter (not shared by anyone else) following an amusing response.

What sort of behaviour is this? As an outsider, one might wonder, could it be business? Could it be messages to other friends who aren’t already at this bar? Could it be messages to people who are in fact here but the Blackbearer can’t be bothered to get up out of his or her chair and go and tell that person whatever it is that they want to tell them. Why shout for a drink when you can take those extra few seconds to exercise your thumb dexterity and text to your buddy: “Rickards White”.

Clearly it’s just too convenient this way.

But it’s not just a matter of physical laziness. It is also seems more convenient then having to figure out something new to talk about with the other people at the table or the person sitting directly across from you. Over the past few years, Blackberries have quickly become the new social security blanket. At that inevitably awkward pause in a conversation, how many times do you now see friends automatically reach for their phone to check the time, urgently check for new messages, or pretend to read new messages while actually just rereading old ones? Here people are just filling the silence with a lowered protected gaze and something else to entertain them instead of accepting the silent moment as it is.

I looked to each of my friends at the same time in hopes of catching someone’s eye but clearly in the space of three months my old fashioned tactic of making eye contact had gone out the window. Then I too felt drawn in. Should I also be reaching into my purse for my 5 year old Samsung – all I can do is call and text – no internet – no fancy applications – cell phone?

I went home that night mildly amused and stunned by this socially detrimental Blackberry epidemic. It probably was this drastic three months ago, even a year ago, but only now after being removed from it I find it so odd. But being the curious anthropologist that I am, it has made me wonder what is at the root of this trend, this need to be connected to some virtual world 24/7, while becoming detached from the present situation. Sociologically speaking, it’s not so much a debate about new technologies being good or bad in themselves, but rather a question of shifts in social comfort levels and customs assisted by these technologies. If there is an excuse to leave a boring conversation, or break a silence, or avoid speaking to someone, it comes in the form of a Blackberry. This little black appliance provides a way out of social awkwardness through instant responses. But the problem is, as the bearer, only those willing to reach you via your mobile device stand a chance, anyone trying to interact in real space and time had better throw in the bags! Even after finally getting the attention of my friends I struggled to survive as every two minutes that irritating new best friend interrupted me!

So what would happen if every single person left their cell phones or blackberries at home for just one evening? What would we notice if we watched our reactions to dead air or being momentarily left alone at a table while our friend went to the washroom? What would we instinctively reach for and if it wasn’t there, what would we substitute it with? Would jealousy arise from seeing others using their Blackberry best friends? My guess is that we may shock ourselves a little more than we think.

I dare you to try ;)

With the hope to provoke

Why am I writing this blog, why am I writing at all?

First of all, I don’t know the first thing about blogs. I’ve never read them, and quite honestly I don’t really feel compelled to read many either (at least for the moment). But for some reason the word BLOG keeps tapping me on the shoulder and I’ve decided I shouldn’t ignore the little guy any longer; it’s time to take action!

One of the reasons I have this disinterest in blogging is that I’ve never considered myself a writer, which is quite ironic as my entire academic background is founded upon this most crucial skill. But I never kept a diary as a kid and I never had the inkling to write a story or become an author.

However, that has quickly changed. Since graduating with a Masters degree in anthropology in the fall, I have spent a few months traveling and reflecting. I recently came back from a two month trip to India that turned out to be exactly the kind of spiritual quest that I needed. Through it, I got a wake up call that told me I love asking questions about myself and others and that I love sharing any insights that I gain with the people around me.

So, here goes the start of my sharing. I have no idea where it will go, but I hope it will be at times humourous, thoughtful, contemplative, quirky, and most of all, straight from the heart. I plan to write about whatever comes up in my everyday life, which always holds interesting twists and turns, and hopefully tie it all in to deeper questions we all ask ourselves at one point or another. I’m always on the search for wisdom and see almost every person I meet, conversation I have, or event that happens to me, as some kind of teaching, and this I would like to express with others.

So I hope you enjoy it and if anything I hope that at least one piece that you read will inspire you to think or feel a little differently.