What does self love truly mean?

What’s your first reaction to the words “self” and “love”?

Take a minute here.

Are you irritated by those words? Do you feel comfortable with them? Do you think of someone in your life who is “self-loving” and feel annoyed? What do these words mean to you?

I wanted to write this post just before starting the 30-Day Self Love challenge as part of the 30x30 Project because “self love” is a bit of a tricky topic. In fact, it is quite controversial.

I’ve had a number of conversations with friends recently who are worried, nervous, or even unsure of this challenge. Well guess what…SO AM I!

How do we come across as being sincere genuine people wanting to explore ourselves by making positive self affirming statements everyday and not come across as ego-maniacs?

Well here’s my best attempt to dispel myth, share my perspective, listen to what I believe is true, and hopefully calm some nerves.

Why “self love”?

From my point of view, the term “self love” has been appropriated in an interesting yet unhealthy way in recent history.

Love + self = selfish.
Love + self = egotistical.
Love + self = self-absorbed.

Is that what you thought? Well here’s my defense.

There’s so much talk these days about “doing good”, helping others, being socially conscious. But if there’s one thing I’ve learnt over the past few years it’s that the best way to serve and love others, is to serve and love yourself first (see writings by Cheryl Richardson for more on this).

You can’t give wholeheartedly from a place that is empty or depleted. And for those of us that might react strongly to hearing the term "self love", might examine what our relationship is to giving and helping others.

What is it?

From my point of view, self-love is NOT about stroking our ego. It’s not about coming up with false flattery to make ourselves feel better, or thinking that we are better than anybody else. In fact, it’s about separating from the ego, in order to honour who it is that we really are. It’s about self-appreciation, affirmation, and respect. Perhaps a better term is soul-love.

But how often do we do this?

Versus, how often in your life do you find that you judge yourself? How often do you analyze or critique your every action? Every word that you speak? When you do something at work, say something to a friend, or try something new, do you walk away from it and say to yourself “oh my god, I shouldn’t have said that, that was so stupid” or “why did I do that?” or “I should have thought of that instead?”

Well that is the exact OPPOSITE of self love.

Imagine your best friend had done the same thing. Would you judge them as harshly? Would you remind them over and over again about what they could have done better? Probably not.

Instead, how often do you compliment yourself? What does it mean to compliment yourself? How do you feel when others compliment themselves?

To me, self love really boils down to this: love, compassion and non-judgment for yourself. That’s it.

Why 30 days?

According to research in neuroscience, we can actually re-program our brains by re-wiring the neurological pathways that send signals and messages to certain parts of our brain. The more we do something/say something/think something, the more it is repeated in the mind and body, the more it gets deeply ingrained in our cells and changes us. However, our brains are "plastic" and can change.

So what would happen if we consciously practiced this attitude of self-affirming love for 30 Days instead of self judgment and criticism? What if we had to own up to it publicly? How might this transform us? How might this trigger, stimulate or change the way others view the term “self love”?

Will we learn that loving the self is not about loving the ego, but about deeply caring for and seeing the worth and value that each and every one of us bring to this world? Whether it’s the pride we take in the home-baked cookies we made, or whether it’s the ability to congratulate ourselves on a tough talk with the boss at work.

Either way, it’s not about putting yourself up one pedestal, it’s about being honest, vulnerable, and genuinely happy to be the person that you are. So here’s to the courage it takes to do this challenge and to explore your relationship with yourself over the next 30 Days.

Who knows what will happen, but I’m grateful to have others that will be courageously joining along on this exploration! Here we go…..

What's your shadow side?

What’s your shadow side?

Can you think of someone who has really gotten under your skin lately and you don’t know why? Someone who has set you off for no logical reason?

Lately, I’ve been reflecting a lot about what my emotional triggers are and with who they come out. It all started because I went to a yoga class recently where my teacher talked about a thing called our “shadow side”.

Our shadow side or sides are the deep dark parts of ourselves, which we reject or try to ignore. Some examples might be our inability for self-expression, a lack of confidence, discomfort with our sexuality, a need for control, perfectionism, etc. etc. We judge ourselves for these qualities and deny them these within our identity. When this happens they get taken away from the spotlight of our consciousness.

But what happens when they get put back into the spotlight?

Without knowing it, we come face to face with our shadow sides more often than not because other people are true reflections of them.

What happens when someone who hates the perfectionist within, meets another perfectionist?

What happens when our shadow sides emerge out of the dark in our loved ones, our friends, our coworkers, or strangers? What emotions arise?

I, for example, have noticed that in the past I would get intensely frustrated and annoyed at people who were soft spoken or overly timid. I would look at them, and would feel my anger and irritation rising in my body. I almost couldn’t stand being around them. I didn’t have patience to deal with their shyness. Why couldn’t they just speak up? Why couldn’t they just say what was on their mind? Why didn’t they have the confidence to stand up for themselves?

Well, I now look back and realize, that’s exactly what I was working through at the time. That was my one of my shadows – my hesitation to speak my mind. I rejected the part of me that was trepidatious about being loud and more self-expressive. And so when it was reflected back to me in someone else, I rejected it in them too.

Another thought is that sometimes these are patterns that we learn from our family by osmosis. So when we lash out a parent or sibling (which happens more than any other people we know), perhaps it is because they are doing exactly what we refuse to accept about ourselves. Maybe we see them working too hard to please others and this annoys us. Maybe they don’t speak their mind in an argument, maybe have a strong work ethic and get stressed easily and this triggers us.

Whatever it is, it’s interesting to see what patterns are there, recognize them, and start to wonder, what is my reaction and why am I having it? And what do I want to do about it? Is there an alternative?

We have the power to change those reactions when we realize underneath, it’s just judgment about ourselves. Can we become compassionate toward them and therefore toward our own shadows?

Today, I notice that my shadows have changed, but they are still there and they come up in the workplace, in friendships, and even in intimate relationships.

I guess my resolution is to now come at it with a sense of curiosity and see it as an opportunity to reflect on myself. I’m interested to know, where is this coming from? WHY am I so annoyed at this person? And can I connect it back to something that I am refusing to accept about my current identity?

After all, I’ve gone from a child who was shy, soft spoken, and timid, to someone who is now writing a personal blog and speaking in front of others as a yoga teacher! And most importantly, these quiet qualities in orders no longer trigger me. Hope that’s inspiration enough ☺