What does self love truly mean?

What’s your first reaction to the words “self” and “love”?

Take a minute here.

Are you irritated by those words? Do you feel comfortable with them? Do you think of someone in your life who is “self-loving” and feel annoyed? What do these words mean to you?

I wanted to write this post just before starting the 30-Day Self Love challenge as part of the 30x30 Project because “self love” is a bit of a tricky topic. In fact, it is quite controversial.

I’ve had a number of conversations with friends recently who are worried, nervous, or even unsure of this challenge. Well guess what…SO AM I!

How do we come across as being sincere genuine people wanting to explore ourselves by making positive self affirming statements everyday and not come across as ego-maniacs?

Well here’s my best attempt to dispel myth, share my perspective, listen to what I believe is true, and hopefully calm some nerves.

Why “self love”?

From my point of view, the term “self love” has been appropriated in an interesting yet unhealthy way in recent history.

Love + self = selfish.
Love + self = egotistical.
Love + self = self-absorbed.

Is that what you thought? Well here’s my defense.

There’s so much talk these days about “doing good”, helping others, being socially conscious. But if there’s one thing I’ve learnt over the past few years it’s that the best way to serve and love others, is to serve and love yourself first (see writings by Cheryl Richardson for more on this).

You can’t give wholeheartedly from a place that is empty or depleted. And for those of us that might react strongly to hearing the term "self love", might examine what our relationship is to giving and helping others.

What is it?

From my point of view, self-love is NOT about stroking our ego. It’s not about coming up with false flattery to make ourselves feel better, or thinking that we are better than anybody else. In fact, it’s about separating from the ego, in order to honour who it is that we really are. It’s about self-appreciation, affirmation, and respect. Perhaps a better term is soul-love.

But how often do we do this?

Versus, how often in your life do you find that you judge yourself? How often do you analyze or critique your every action? Every word that you speak? When you do something at work, say something to a friend, or try something new, do you walk away from it and say to yourself “oh my god, I shouldn’t have said that, that was so stupid” or “why did I do that?” or “I should have thought of that instead?”

Well that is the exact OPPOSITE of self love.

Imagine your best friend had done the same thing. Would you judge them as harshly? Would you remind them over and over again about what they could have done better? Probably not.

Instead, how often do you compliment yourself? What does it mean to compliment yourself? How do you feel when others compliment themselves?

To me, self love really boils down to this: love, compassion and non-judgment for yourself. That’s it.

Why 30 days?

According to research in neuroscience, we can actually re-program our brains by re-wiring the neurological pathways that send signals and messages to certain parts of our brain. The more we do something/say something/think something, the more it is repeated in the mind and body, the more it gets deeply ingrained in our cells and changes us. However, our brains are "plastic" and can change.

So what would happen if we consciously practiced this attitude of self-affirming love for 30 Days instead of self judgment and criticism? What if we had to own up to it publicly? How might this transform us? How might this trigger, stimulate or change the way others view the term “self love”?

Will we learn that loving the self is not about loving the ego, but about deeply caring for and seeing the worth and value that each and every one of us bring to this world? Whether it’s the pride we take in the home-baked cookies we made, or whether it’s the ability to congratulate ourselves on a tough talk with the boss at work.

Either way, it’s not about putting yourself up one pedestal, it’s about being honest, vulnerable, and genuinely happy to be the person that you are. So here’s to the courage it takes to do this challenge and to explore your relationship with yourself over the next 30 Days.

Who knows what will happen, but I’m grateful to have others that will be courageously joining along on this exploration! Here we go…..

Does your ego drive your ideas?

Has someone ever said to you “just put that thought in your parking lot?” i.e. great idea, we'll get back to it later when there's more time, money, resources etc.

Or perhaps you might have had someone say to you “you’re such a great visionary” i.e. love the ideas, now how’re we going to do it?

Well I’ve heard it. Sometimes I have so many thoughts running through my head that my mental roadways start to get full of traffic jams. In those instances no “cars” get to move forward because everyone is stuck. I just need some parking lots.

Last month was a particularly traffic jammy type month. I think maybe because it was the start of a new year so I was so eager to jump ahead and get going with plans, new yoga workshop ideas, connections I wanted to make, and interesting people I hoped to meet.

Yet, by the end of the month I had little to show for it, except for a pair of baggy eyes, and an overbooked calendar.

My head was ready to explode.

In yoga and other energy healing modalities, they might say I wasn’t fully “grounded”. I was in my upper chakras of sight/vision and not my lower ones of manifestation, feeling, and creation. I wasn’t fully in my body, I was in my mind, living in the realm of ideas, and not really getting anywhere, just getting overwhelmed.

I had ODed on ideas.

I was paralyzed and didn’t know which way to go because everything seemed so interesting and important. I was in a major mental traffic jam.

Or if each idea/plan/vision were represented by a post-it note, I had no board to post them on. My mind was cluttered with beautiful, multi-coloured stickies, but no wall to stick them to!

With the help of a very dear healer of mine, we spent some time mind-mapping out all of my mental post-its, dumping them onto a table, noticing which were taking up lots of my energy, which I wished would take up more of my energy, what I could park/throw away, and highlighted what I needed to move forward.


Aside from helping me prioritize, this visually showed me something even more interesting…my ego!

My ego was at fault for creating this post-it insanity or this mental car pill up.

I had never really thought about it this way, but yes, all my ideas and eagerness to pursue them right now, was simply my ego taking over (not to be confused with being egotistical, or self-centered).

So I spent some time contemplating this ego.

What was happening in this state of un-groundedness, was I was allowing my ego to orchestrate the symphony of post-its up there. He/she/it was telling me “I want to do it all, I can do it all, I think everything is interesting and worth pursuing, do it…NOW!”.

The problem was, nowhere was my ego telling me what to do first or where to start, or reminding me that I had choice. Ego was not providing me with a bulletin board for support.

So I called in my good friends humility and patience. They helped me sort things out.

I realized that yes, while I find so many ideas interesting and often want to pursue them all, I need to be gentle and not expect my physical self to be able to keep up or make all the ideas into reality.

As soon as I saw it was my ego trying to make me do all of these things, it changed how I approached my list. Even though it wasn’t coming from a place of self-centeredness, it still meant that some inner part of me felt I needed to accomplish it all – that’s ego.

So I created a sort of separation from the ideas, allowed myself to step back, and to say, “who is really driving this urge to get it done? Who is telling me it’s all important?”

And so from now on, I hope to pause before getting overwhelmed with pursuing intriguing ideas and plans, take a look at the mental post-its and remember to always call in patience and humility for help.

What are the post-its that are floating in your head? How might you see them differently if you were to ask yourself “where are these coming from?” and “Who says I need to do them?”

What can gratitude do for YOU?

On a scale from 1 to 10, how grateful are you? If you could chop up your day into little bits, how much time is taken by sincere moments of being thankful? What does your relationship with gratitude look like and what does that word even mean to you?

I just spent 30 days exploring and consciously cultivating my ability to be grateful and to MEAN it.

I’m not UNgrateful. I mean, I always say “thank you”. I’m very polite. But does that mean I am truly grateful?

For example, when asked on the spot to think of something I’m grateful for in a yoga class, do I feel that “thank you” in my bones? Does my entire body sit in that moment of appreciation even after it has gone? Um, maybe, maybe not.

Well I decided I was going to find out.

Starting on Jan. 4, for a full month I posted one statement of gratitude to my Facebook and Twitter walls every day – that way, I would be held fully accountable for my postings (yes, by the FB police and the FB stalker fans I imagine I have)!

So Day 1. I was grateful for the wisdom of my girlfriends. I reflected on the amazing advice I was constantly receiving from them, and it struck me how brilliant and wise friends can be when you really listen.

Day 2. I was grateful for new faces and familiar faces at my yoga classes. Still being a relatively new teacher, I couldn’t have been happier to have their support, so I really sat in that moment of pure happiness.

Day 9. “I’m grateful to have my furnace working again after a 48 hour hiatus”. Never had I been so thankful to have heat. Something so simple, yet had I not been doing this challenge, I probably would not have thought twice about when it came back on. IN FACT, I probably would have thought “stupid landlord, why is he such an incompetent lazy idiot, everything keeps breaking. I want compensation for the hassle”. But instead, I was happy to have heat.

Day 17. I’m grateful for hip-hop music. Enough said.

Day 19. I’m grateful for snuggles with Trapper.

As the days went on, I realized I couldn’t wait to post my gratitude statement. It was something I looked forward to every day!

And then end of January hit. This, I have to say was the lowest point in my month. For about 4 days, I really struggled with finding things to be grateful for. My energy level was so low, my body was tired, work was ramping up, things weren’t going as I had planned, and I felt like I had a million things on my plate. Gratitude was getting tough.

One morning during that period, I had a catch up breakfast planned with my dad. To be honest, the last thing I wanted or needed to do was add another item to “my agenda” for the week. Though I love my dad VERY dearly, I felt stressed just thinking about having a leisurely breakfast on a very busy workday.

Needless to say, I went.

And as a result, I felt one of the deepest moments of gratitude that I had during the whole challenge.

I told myself, “Courtney, you are here with dad, the office is not here, you aren’t going to find your new apartment in this moment, you aren’t going to make your yoga lesson plan here, why think about that, you are here”.

So I looked at him, and let my heart open. I let the breakfast go on much longer than I had planned. I let myself cry in front of him from exhaustion. I let myself feel.

And as I continued to feel, I started to feel a sense of lightness. I realized I was feeling sincere happiness for having the eternal love of my parents. I was feeling gratitude.

As a result, I left with happy tears in my eyes for that moment of reflection. And a post to write:

Day 24. I’m grateful for heart to heart chats over breakfast with my dad :)

I left thinking, when I can say I’m grateful for heart to heart chats with someone I love, then searching for an apartment, sending out those emails, or writing that report, don’t seem like such big deals.

I gave my dad a hug goodbye, and it wasn’t just a thank you, it was a THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart.

As my month drew to a close, I continued my posts and I saw more and more people joining the challenge. Every day I would log on and my wall would be speckled with “Day 3. Today I’m grateful for…”, “Day 17. I am grateful for…”. It literally made my heart jump, I was so THRILLED!

As my final post for Day 30 I wrote, “Today I am grateful for being witness to all the gratitude and inspirational stories that came from this challenge”. The number of people who reached out to me, letting me know what it meant for them to be a part of it, was amazing.

Being one who didn’t grow up in a religious household and has not adhered to many rituals before, I realized that the 30 Day Gratitude Challenge became more than just posting statement or funny remarks on a wall. It really became a ritual – it became an exercise in strengthening optimism and hope. It became a ritual that others became a part of.

The challenge made me feel so connected to the others that were participating (and still are participating – keep going guys!!)

Knowing that every single day, we were all sharing the exact same human emotion, was exquisitely moving and powerful. And I miss it now!

And so, as I end my story, I open it up to you and your experiences with gratitude. I welcome your thoughts and reflections on the challenge or on gratitude in general. How do you experience it? How might it change your perception of situations or people in your life? What can gratitude make possible for you?

With lots of love (and eternal gratitude ☺),
Court xo

What building is your body?

You know the saying “my body is my temple”? Well I’ve been thinking about that lately, given that it’s the New Year and high up on many people’s resolution lists are things like “I want to drink less”, “I want to work out more”, “I want to eliminate my love handles/beer belly/[insert relevant body part here]”.

So I was in the gym today (NOT due to a resolution) and started thinking about that saying. I started looking around and wondering who actually considers their body to be their temples, versus who considers it to be their not-good-enough, need-to-fix, not-quite-perfect thing they live with?

But we live everyday of our lives IN this vessel, just like the house we sleep in every night. This magnificent container holds all of our emotions, mental thoughts, belief systems, and physical matter. But do we regularly view it as one of the single most important things in our lives? In many cases, no - we take it for granted.

So as I was thinking this, I was staring out the window at a church spire. Then I caught a glimpse of a smoke stack. “Interesting juxtaposition,” I thought. Both tall thin structures, yet one is holy the other is harmful. I’m 5’11’ – I could be either a spire or a smoke stack, depending on my personal perspective of my temple. But I don’t want to be either…I want to create my own building.

My building would be tall but also wide, showing its strength. It would be soft but have a solid foundation in the earth, and lots of skylights connecting up to the stars, sun, moon, etc. It would have a fire burning everyday on the inside and the glow from the fire would shine out through all of the windows (lots of windows!). I would have a waterfall on the inside, constantly flowing and moving. At the centre there would be plush chairs, maybe some satin, and a cozy warm coloured carpet. There would be some soft curtains that could drape over the windows, but I would decide when to keep them open and when to close them. There would also be balconies to reach out to other buildings.

But my building is not static. Buildings constantly change – as we choose to invest in them and improve them, or neglect them and let them fall apart. At one point my building may have had a few nooks and crannies, but I’ve recently done some renovations and decided it’s much more enjoyable to have an open concept living area, so I can move freely around.

I’ve also opened up the attic, and made it more of a loft, because I found myself spending a bit too much time up there and not enough time down on the ground floor. And finally, there are touches of gold and intricate detailing on the façade, so that when you look closely you can appreciate the complexity.

So that’s my building. That’s what I envisioned in my 30-minute elliptical session. Not focusing on time, calories burnt, distance achieved, but rather the magnificent vessel that was propelling me.

Now in keeping with this metaphor, I thought wouldn’t it be great if the next time we find ourselves saying negative self-talk, we could go back to that image of the building that we created. Would we say the same thing about our body if we spun it into a metaphor?

Would my gassy stomach be so bad if it was simply a bubble machine inside the living room? Would my cracking knees be so embarrassing if they were simply the beautiful hardwood flooring of my bedroom?

What areas in your building do you tend to focus on and what areas do you neglect because they aren’t “pretty”? How can we begin to appreciate the whole building?

And my final question is, where do you find yourself residing most often within your building? Do you spend most of your time standing at the window, gazing out but not opening the door and walking into the garden? Do you love decorating or paying attention to the ground floor, the social areas, and the feeling areas, the cozy living room where you can warm up with others but sometimes forget about the rooftop patio that connects you to the sky and your own solitude?

As I said, I have in the past spent a lot of the time in the attic – in my mind. And while the attic is really fun, it can get lonely and cold, since it’s far away from the feeling of the ground, the fire and everyone else around it.

So would spending a bit more time focusing on the lower floors - my emotional body be so scary if it was simply another inviting room in the house to explore?

Probably not.

The next time you find yourself making resolutions or opinions about this temple that is your unique body, I invite you to first imagine your beautiful building. Ask yourself how you view each physical body part, and how you view your other bodies (mental, emotional, spiritual), and how do they manifest in your building. Then look at the temple that you are, the places that you go to inside that temple, and maybe what areas could use a little more love and care. Then go there! ☺

Are you a holiday hero?

Yesterday my coworker shared with me a quote about organizational success that got my wheels turning. He said, “If you want to keep great people, don’t rely on the hero.”

What? But heroes help people. Heroes save the day. Don’t they?

Not always. The hero in this instance is not the courageous or gallant figure like in the storybooks. The hero in this instance is someone who has difficulty honouring themselves and their needs. They are always trying to please others and get the job done no matter what the cost. The hero stays at work into the wee hours making everyone else’s jobs easier but their own. The hero is someone whose determination to please their boss or coworkers comes at the expense of their own health and happiness.

So as I thought about this, I realized it rings true in every aspect of our lives, particularly at this time of year.

How often do we find ourselves trying to make others happy during the holidays? How often do we sacrifice our own plans in order to run around and see every possible person that we know? How often do we say yes to parties and celebrations in order to make sure people know we care for them?

But how many people get sick in November and December? How many are completely rundown and exhausted by the New Year?

This is no coincidence.

Holiday heroes are out in full force. I think if there is one time of year when it’s all about “others” and not “us”, it’s now. Sadly we listen less to our own needs because that’s seen as being greedy – and no one can be greedy during the holidays.

I was reflecting on my own “hero-ness”, and for me, what I sacrifice is my rest. I’m already a pretty social person, so when holidays roll around I ramp it up ten fold. I say yes to all the wine and cheeses, all the dinner parties, partly because I want to see everyone, but partly because I want them to know I value them. However, in the past, this has meant almost 30 days straight of being “out”. That’s like, 150 hours a month of being cheery and on your game.

But in fact, being so social over the holidays, is unnatural. According to some eastern philosophies and the Celtic calendar, the months leading up to the Winter Solstice is the prime time to rest, reflect, and introspect.

I believe in western society we have a skewed version of rest. Rest is not for the weak, or so they say. Our society has created some rules around rest. For example, one night a week seems reasonable to stay in and do nothing. One full day a week might seem ok too. But what if we block off two entire weeks in a row from seeing anybody? No evenings out, no socializing with friends or family or loved ones?

Would you see that person as someone taking care of themselves, or would we see them as someone who was being anti-social, depressed, or lazy? What are our rules around rest? What defines too much rest?

More importantly, why do we feel a sense of guilt around pleasing ourselves first? Why can’t we empathize with those who just need to lay low in this busy time, without seeing it as an insult or that that person value us less than the other people on their agenda? Perhaps they are just listening to what their bodies are telling them at that very moment.

So in my opinion, a real holiday hero is someone who is able to rest. They are able to say no without feeling a sense of guilt. They are confident enough to know that not running around finding the "perfect" gift, or hosting the best dinner party, or attending every celebration, will not make them look like scrooge. In contrast, they know what will make them sick and rundown. A hero we should admire is someone who understands and respects their bodies, and knows when and how much to give versus when they just need to stay in with a cup of tea and a movie :)

What kind of hero are you going to be this year?

What's your shadow side?

What’s your shadow side?

Can you think of someone who has really gotten under your skin lately and you don’t know why? Someone who has set you off for no logical reason?

Lately, I’ve been reflecting a lot about what my emotional triggers are and with who they come out. It all started because I went to a yoga class recently where my teacher talked about a thing called our “shadow side”.

Our shadow side or sides are the deep dark parts of ourselves, which we reject or try to ignore. Some examples might be our inability for self-expression, a lack of confidence, discomfort with our sexuality, a need for control, perfectionism, etc. etc. We judge ourselves for these qualities and deny them these within our identity. When this happens they get taken away from the spotlight of our consciousness.

But what happens when they get put back into the spotlight?

Without knowing it, we come face to face with our shadow sides more often than not because other people are true reflections of them.

What happens when someone who hates the perfectionist within, meets another perfectionist?

What happens when our shadow sides emerge out of the dark in our loved ones, our friends, our coworkers, or strangers? What emotions arise?

I, for example, have noticed that in the past I would get intensely frustrated and annoyed at people who were soft spoken or overly timid. I would look at them, and would feel my anger and irritation rising in my body. I almost couldn’t stand being around them. I didn’t have patience to deal with their shyness. Why couldn’t they just speak up? Why couldn’t they just say what was on their mind? Why didn’t they have the confidence to stand up for themselves?

Well, I now look back and realize, that’s exactly what I was working through at the time. That was my one of my shadows – my hesitation to speak my mind. I rejected the part of me that was trepidatious about being loud and more self-expressive. And so when it was reflected back to me in someone else, I rejected it in them too.

Another thought is that sometimes these are patterns that we learn from our family by osmosis. So when we lash out a parent or sibling (which happens more than any other people we know), perhaps it is because they are doing exactly what we refuse to accept about ourselves. Maybe we see them working too hard to please others and this annoys us. Maybe they don’t speak their mind in an argument, maybe have a strong work ethic and get stressed easily and this triggers us.

Whatever it is, it’s interesting to see what patterns are there, recognize them, and start to wonder, what is my reaction and why am I having it? And what do I want to do about it? Is there an alternative?

We have the power to change those reactions when we realize underneath, it’s just judgment about ourselves. Can we become compassionate toward them and therefore toward our own shadows?

Today, I notice that my shadows have changed, but they are still there and they come up in the workplace, in friendships, and even in intimate relationships.

I guess my resolution is to now come at it with a sense of curiosity and see it as an opportunity to reflect on myself. I’m interested to know, where is this coming from? WHY am I so annoyed at this person? And can I connect it back to something that I am refusing to accept about my current identity?

After all, I’ve gone from a child who was shy, soft spoken, and timid, to someone who is now writing a personal blog and speaking in front of others as a yoga teacher! And most importantly, these quiet qualities in orders no longer trigger me. Hope that’s inspiration enough ☺

Is Halloween about horror or love?

What if we treated every day like Halloween? What if everyday, we were able to enjoy the magic of our imaginations? What if everyday, it didn’t matter that a dancing unicorn could be hugging Lady Gaga in a meat dress?

I just got home from the one of the BEST street parties I have ever been to – the Church Street Block Party – right in the heart of “the village”, downtown Toronto. And I have to say, after spending a couple of hours there, I feel inspired by the love, the fun, and the spirit of thousands of hyped up Halloween hopping Torontonians.

Thousands of strangers all dancing to Rihanna, talking pictures with each other, and smiling at everyone and everything around them. No one was a stranger.

What touched me was how uninhibited we become by the costumes that we wear. I stood there watching people for nearly an hour as they interacted with people they didn’t know. They complimented each other on their outfits, they high fived the weird ones, they posed with the fantastical. Ironically, putting up these costume barriers, actually bring us closer together. No one is an outsider because we are all the same in our ability to let go, be silly, and not take life too seriously, for one night.

Barbie was not holding hands with Ken, she was making out with E.T. Priscilla Queen of the Desert troop to sing with Gene Simmons.

In fact, you would never think that a special occasion such as Halloween, the night when old spirits come back to haunt the living, could actually be a day embodied by tolerance, acceptance, and love.

But that’s what this party was all about. In my mind this celebration, was about diversity. It shone a light on our ability to let down our guards and celebrate among people, who under every day circumstances would probably not have the courage to talk to each other. But somehow, under all that dress we accept that we are all the same and we trust one another.

My friends and I asked a few people “what does Halloween mean to you” – and it was unanimous. The avatar, the mad hatter, and the Crayola man all said “love and fun”.

So if we’re all just dying for love and fun, do we really need costumes to do that?